This has been on a lot of blogs already, but since the message is so important, I’m posting it here as well.  Please share it on your own blog or send it to your friends.

P.S. For the record, Ellen has publicly endorsed Hillary Clinton, but that’s not the message here.

AAAAaaaack! 

If you’ve been watching my Jaiku updates over in the sidebar, you know that I’ve been really stressed out this week.  Sure there’s the usual holiday season stresses that are getting to me: Christmas decorating, Christmas cards, Christmas shopping, and so on.  There is just never enough time or enough money for it all, but that’s not what’s been causing my anxiety attacks this week.  No, they’re coming from something altogether different.

The attacks have been happening to me for the last several years in the final ten days or so before Christmas.  They begin when I see announcements like "today is the last day to mail a package and get it there on time."  They intensify as I start to get those "I’m heading off for the holidays but wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas before I left" e-mails and messages, and they reach full crescendo when all the stories on the news are about how everyone is heading out to the airports to fly home for Christmas.

I’ve realized where these anxiety attacks are coming from: I’m afraid of being left alone.

Growing up, did you ever have an experience where you’re on the playground with all the other kids, and one by one, their parents come to get them until you’re left all by yourself?  Although I’ve never lived through that exact situation, that’s what the week before Christmas feels like to me.  I get that panicked feeling that I’m being left behind as I see everyone head off to holiday celebrations with their family.

That’s not to say I’ll be alone this Christmas.  Buckaroo will be with me, and he always manages to make it a very wonderful day.  In the run-up to Christmas Day however, he works some extremely long hours and late into the evenings (he’s in the retail industry) which leaves me by myself.  For example, on Christmas Eve he has to work until 7:00pm or so.  I don’t have anyone to spend the day with because all my friends usually have plans of their own.

This is where I grow a little weary of being gay.

It’s not that I’m ashamed to be gay.  I’m not.  Even if a pill was developed tomorrow that could turn me straight, I still wouldn’t take it.  I am who I am.  I’ve dealt with that part of being gay years ago.  It’s just at the holidays I see so many people having wonderful celebrations with their families and children.  I get jealous of that. 

It’s not like I don’t have any family.  My mom is still back in the Midwest where my sister and her family live.  I also have a brother in NYC, but I’m not that close to him.  He’ll be joining them back home again this year, but I can’t make it.

This is where straight folk seem to have an advantage.  As they become adults and their parents age, many of them start families of their own.  They go through a fundamental shift from being the child to being a parent.  Instead of waiting for Santa to come, they are Santa.  They have their spouse and kids and their in-laws to spend with at Christmas.  I get so envious hearing about big family gatherings among my straight peers with their own kids and their sibling’s families too.  By the time their parents pass on, they’ve filled their life with children and even grandchildren of their own.

I don’t know if gay men ever truly experience this transition that our straight counterparts go through.  At first not having children seems like a blessing: no crying babies, no snot-nosed brats, no sullen teenagers getting into trouble.  We have more money (supposedly) that we can spend on ourselves for travel and the finer things, but we also miss out on the responsibility parenting forces on people.  We are allowed to stay carefree and playful, but what happens when you reach a point in life like I have where you’re tired of being an adult child?  What happens when you’re ready to go to that next phase of life?

I know, I know… I could have kids with Buckaroo by adoption or some other method, but do you know how really difficult that is?  Whereas straight couples can simply decide to start a family by going off birth control and having lots of sex (baring any medical difficulties), Buckaroo and I would have to go through tons of paperwork and expense.  It’s still very difficult for a gay couple to adopt a child, and from what I’ve witnessed, the process can take years upon years and thousands of dollars.  Using a surrogate isn’t any easier.  First you have to find an acceptable mother willing to relinquish rights so the non-paternal gay parent can adopt the child.  Then you have to pay for not only the medical costs involved, but often an exorbitant fee to the surrogate mother if you can’t find someone you already know to do it.

In other words, it’s very unlikely Buckaroo and I will ever have children other than our pets.  That’s ok, but it can be lonely.  What if something happens to one of us?  What about when we get much older?  There won’t be any kids to come visit.  No grandchildren to spoil.  No home filled with the chatter and laughter of generations of family at Christmas. 

For all the joys of being out and proud of who I am, I fear the loneliness that inevitably comes with it.  That’s why at Christmas, I grow ever so slightly tired of being gay.  For better or for worse, that’s the hand that life has dealt me so I’ll make it work with Buckaroo by my side.

As I’m sure many of my gay readers are aware, the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) passed in the House of Representatives yesterday by a vote of 235 to 134 marking the first time ever that either chamber of Congress has passed employment protections based on sexual orientation.  ENDA did not come without its share of controversy however.  Realizing that the bill would be defeated if it included protection from discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity, openly-gay Congressman Barney Frank introduced a bill that protects only sexual orientation to the floor.  It was this version of the bill that was passed.

The removal of gender identity from the bill has caused quite a bit of debate and infighting among the GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender- also seen as LGBT) community.  Many assert that we need to remain united and only support a bill that includes both sexual orientation and gender identity.  Others take the position that we must accept the current political climate and support Congressman Frank’s bill that still offers protection to the great majority of the GLBT population while revisiting transgender protections in a later and more politically-favorable time.

Both sides made very persuasive arguments.  Those taking the all-or-nothing approach argued that excluding gender identity from the bill would be akin to only light-skin blacks being covered by racial non-discrimination laws.  They worry that the transgendered will be forgotten by the GLBT community and lawmakers.  Those favoring the step-by-step approach countered by pointing out the civil rights struggles of the 50’s and 60’s were not won overnight, and that we must be willing to accept smaller victories as we work towards a larger goal.

Which side is right?  Both and neither.  It’s a very hard call to make, and that’s why I haven’t blogged about it before now.  Buckaroo and I had a discussion about it one night and were unable to figure out on which side of the issue we stood.  It raised a question in my mind though that I’ve been thinking about ever since then.  It might upset some of my readers, but I have to ask:

Why are transgendered individuals considered part of the gay, lesbian, and bisexual community?

I believe in inclusiveness; I really do.  I don’t believe anyone, gay, straight, or transgendered, should be discriminated against either, but it’s not immediately obvious to me how tansgender fits in with the GLB.

I did a web search on transgender to make sure I was defining it correctly.  According to a site called DignityUSA, a transgendered person is someone who exhibits appearances or behaviors opposite their birth sex. Their gender identity differs from their physical sex.  OK, that matches what I thought I knew.  The site goes on to explain that most transgendered persons identify themselves as heterosexual. Their intrinsic difference is their gender identity, not their sexual orientation: these are two different things altogether.

That’s where I guess most of the public gets it wrong.  It is a common stereotype that gay men want to be women and/or we enjoy dressing up like women.  Well, I’ll admit I’ve done drag a few times and it was a blast, but I did it because I was in costume for Halloween.  One time I was Disney’s Pocahontas, another time Cruella de Vil, and yet another a poodle-skirt wearing 50’s girl.  I didn’t do it because I wanted to be a woman.  I just didn’t have the hang-ups about dressing up as a woman that a straight man might have.  Someone might think I’m gay because I dressed in drag?  Well guess what!

On the other side of the coin, transgendered people are perceived by most people as homosexuals.  In actuality, most are quite heterosexual for the gender they identify with.  For example, a transgendered man might want to sleep with other men, but he does so because in that person’s mind, he is a woman.  The transgendered were born into a body that the cannot identify with, but they aren’t necessarily gay.

So how did transgender become the T in GLBT?  I think it’s because we suffer from the same types of discrimination.  We all face employment and housing discrimination. We’re likely to be potential targets for hate crimes: verbal harassment, hate mail, hateful telephone calls and even acts of violence.  It is especially hard for transgendered persons because often they want to dress and act like the gender they associate with which makes it hard for them to ‘blend in.’

Buckaroo and I ate at a sports bar over the weekend.  Although being gay can be hard, we are fortunate in that we can ‘butch it up’ in situations and places like this sports bar.  We cheered for the football game on TV and in general refrained from doing anything that might identify us as gay.  Transgender people don’t often have this luxury.

I guess then while the transgendered are not similar to gays like lesbians and bisexuals are, it is the struggle for equality that we all share that brings us together.  Knowing that makes me feel a little guilty that ENDA passed without gender identity protection.  After all, discrimination of any sort is still discrimination so we all need to look out for one another.

There’s been a lot of buzz in the blogosphere about Barak Obama’s refusal to disavow himself from Donnie McClurkin, a preacher who claims homosexuality can be cured.  The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) even weighed in on the issue by expressing its strong reservations to Obama over his campaign-sponsored tour that features gospel singer McClurkin.  They said they would issue a public demand if Obama did not immediately cancel the event.  Some in the GLBT community and the left have accused the HRC and others of creating a dilemma for Obama’s campaign that could blow-up and threaten to derail it.

So my question to you: who is right?

I’m taking HRC’s side in this one. Obama’s commitment to the GLBT community has always seemed suspect to me, and this just reinforces that opinion.  If his campaign doesn’t get why we would be offended by someone who says we need to be "cured", then it shows how out of touch he is with us.  Obama and all the candidates need to take a firm stance on GLBT issues.  If they want our support in the upcoming election, they need to show a commitment to our issues.  You’re either with us or you’re not.  You can’t be saying you support equality for the GLBT community and then be making appearances with someone like Donnie McClurkin.

Sorry Obama, you can’t have it both ways.

There’s only one candidate that I know of currently who isn’t afraid to come out in unwavering and unapologetic support of GLBT issues: Dennis Kucinich. Maybe if more candidates would grow a set of balls like him (with apologies to Hillary for the choice of words), then there wouldn’t be so much indifference among the public.