Hi everyone-

I’m still on hiatus, but I just wanted to share this with you: I MET BOSSY!!!

Sorry for the all-caps exclamation there, but I have a major gay-guy-crush-on-straight-girl with Bossy.  In fact, if I were straight (yeah right… like that’s going to happen), I would totally have to bump off Bossy’s husband so that I could marry her.  My only fear is my love would be unrequited.  You see, Bossy’s already putting the moves on Buckaroo.

Anyway, we had a great time last night meeting not only Bossy, but her friend Wendy, and fellow bloggers Jen, Erin, Sheri, and my blogger-turned-real-life-friend, Ed.  Every single one of them were witty and entertaining.  I must admit that I was quite apprehensive about meeting a bunch of strangers, but I felt almost immediately at ease with this group.

According to the 8.2 million e-mails clogging my inbox during the planning of this event, there were supposed to be even more bloggers in attendance.  If I ever find out who those no-show bloggers were, I’ll hunt them down and kill them (well not really, but I might leave a nasty comment on their blogs- take that no-shows!).

Ed, Buckaroo, and I didn’t tell Bossy who was who when we first arrived, but instead made her guess.  She didn’t get any of us right.  Not sure what to make of that since she should have immediately recognized me from my fab-u-lous-ness, but I’ll forgive her anyway.

Here’s Jen, Bossy, and Sheri:

Click on picture to embiggen

As you can see by the look on her face, Bossy is in utter awe of being in my presence.  That happens a lot.  I get used to it.

Bossy has many more stops along her excellent road trip.  If she comes through your town, I highly suggest you take the time to meet her or at least throw her some spare change or something.  I worry however that she’ll meet someone along the way she likes even better than me, and I’ll be left Bossy-less.

Ahhh… who am I kidding?  How could she possibly like anyone better than moi?

That’s it for now.  Look for me to be back from hiatus somewhere around May 1st.  See you then, and don’t forget to follow me on Jaiku.

P.S. Bossy is getting (even more) famous!

Another Christmas has come and gone.

Buckaroo just headed off to bed.  We had a wonderful Christmas Day together, but now I’m taking a little time to reflect on the years gone by.  As the ghosts of Christmases past surround me, I don’t fear their presence.  Instead I am basking in the warm glow of the memories they bring.  I remember the people and places, the sites and the smells, the presents and the food (lots and lots of food!), but most of all I remember all the love.

Tonight I’d like to raise a cup of Christmas cheer in remembrance of those who have gone before that gave me these, my most treasured memories:

• To my Uncle Buzz, who I was a little scared of as a kid, but only because I didn’t know you very well.  You and my aunt had all of us relatives over to your house to celebrate every Christmas Eve once my grandmother could no longer do it.
• To my Uncle Ed, who used to always call the man with the bag "Santy Claus."  You were a kind man, and you always went out of your way to get me to smile.
• To my paternal Grandmother, whose husband (my grandfather) died several years before I was born.  I never realized how lonely you must have been without him all of those years, and yet you never felt sorry for yourself.  You had such a generous heart, not just at Christmas, but all through the year.  You were always glad to see me, and the love you showed I still carry with me to this day.
• To my maternal Grandmother and Grandfather, who are in some of my earliest memories.  You were a big part of my life as a young child.  I remember those Sunday drives to your house and the anticipation of the wonderful meals you would cook for us.  You taught me the importance of family.  Holidays were special because of you.
• To the pets I’ve had- Taffy, Snoopy (George), and Sasha, I always considered you part of the family because you brought me so much joy.

But most of all,

• To my Dad, who I still miss every single day of my life.  Despite losing you over seven years ago, it seems like just yesterday when I still had you to rely on, to help me when I was in trouble, and to give me love even when I didn’t return it.  You worked so hard to give us children a better life, and you sacrificed of yourself so freely.  You taught me to be kind and caring to others, not only at Christmas, but all year long.  Though it must have been tough making ends meet, I was never left to lack anything at Christmas or any other time.  You showed me what giving really is, and I’ll always be grateful for that.

And to all my far-flung cousins, aunts and an uncle, my brother, my sister and her family, and my mom, though I may not see you as often as I’d like, I want to thank you for being a very special part of my many Christmases past.  Here’s to you all!

"Up in the attic,
Down on my knees.
Lifetimes of boxes,
Timeless to me.
Letters and photographs,
Yellowed with years,
Some bringing laughter,
Some bringing tears.

Time never changes,
The memories, the faces
Of loved ones, who bring to me,
All that I come from,
And all that I live for,
And all that I’m going to be.
My precious family
Is more than an heirloom to me."

-Amy Grant, "Heirlooms"

AAAAaaaack! 

If you’ve been watching my Jaiku updates over in the sidebar, you know that I’ve been really stressed out this week.  Sure there’s the usual holiday season stresses that are getting to me: Christmas decorating, Christmas cards, Christmas shopping, and so on.  There is just never enough time or enough money for it all, but that’s not what’s been causing my anxiety attacks this week.  No, they’re coming from something altogether different.

The attacks have been happening to me for the last several years in the final ten days or so before Christmas.  They begin when I see announcements like "today is the last day to mail a package and get it there on time."  They intensify as I start to get those "I’m heading off for the holidays but wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas before I left" e-mails and messages, and they reach full crescendo when all the stories on the news are about how everyone is heading out to the airports to fly home for Christmas.

I’ve realized where these anxiety attacks are coming from: I’m afraid of being left alone.

Growing up, did you ever have an experience where you’re on the playground with all the other kids, and one by one, their parents come to get them until you’re left all by yourself?  Although I’ve never lived through that exact situation, that’s what the week before Christmas feels like to me.  I get that panicked feeling that I’m being left behind as I see everyone head off to holiday celebrations with their family.

That’s not to say I’ll be alone this Christmas.  Buckaroo will be with me, and he always manages to make it a very wonderful day.  In the run-up to Christmas Day however, he works some extremely long hours and late into the evenings (he’s in the retail industry) which leaves me by myself.  For example, on Christmas Eve he has to work until 7:00pm or so.  I don’t have anyone to spend the day with because all my friends usually have plans of their own.

This is where I grow a little weary of being gay.

It’s not that I’m ashamed to be gay.  I’m not.  Even if a pill was developed tomorrow that could turn me straight, I still wouldn’t take it.  I am who I am.  I’ve dealt with that part of being gay years ago.  It’s just at the holidays I see so many people having wonderful celebrations with their families and children.  I get jealous of that. 

It’s not like I don’t have any family.  My mom is still back in the Midwest where my sister and her family live.  I also have a brother in NYC, but I’m not that close to him.  He’ll be joining them back home again this year, but I can’t make it.

This is where straight folk seem to have an advantage.  As they become adults and their parents age, many of them start families of their own.  They go through a fundamental shift from being the child to being a parent.  Instead of waiting for Santa to come, they are Santa.  They have their spouse and kids and their in-laws to spend with at Christmas.  I get so envious hearing about big family gatherings among my straight peers with their own kids and their sibling’s families too.  By the time their parents pass on, they’ve filled their life with children and even grandchildren of their own.

I don’t know if gay men ever truly experience this transition that our straight counterparts go through.  At first not having children seems like a blessing: no crying babies, no snot-nosed brats, no sullen teenagers getting into trouble.  We have more money (supposedly) that we can spend on ourselves for travel and the finer things, but we also miss out on the responsibility parenting forces on people.  We are allowed to stay carefree and playful, but what happens when you reach a point in life like I have where you’re tired of being an adult child?  What happens when you’re ready to go to that next phase of life?

I know, I know… I could have kids with Buckaroo by adoption or some other method, but do you know how really difficult that is?  Whereas straight couples can simply decide to start a family by going off birth control and having lots of sex (baring any medical difficulties), Buckaroo and I would have to go through tons of paperwork and expense.  It’s still very difficult for a gay couple to adopt a child, and from what I’ve witnessed, the process can take years upon years and thousands of dollars.  Using a surrogate isn’t any easier.  First you have to find an acceptable mother willing to relinquish rights so the non-paternal gay parent can adopt the child.  Then you have to pay for not only the medical costs involved, but often an exorbitant fee to the surrogate mother if you can’t find someone you already know to do it.

In other words, it’s very unlikely Buckaroo and I will ever have children other than our pets.  That’s ok, but it can be lonely.  What if something happens to one of us?  What about when we get much older?  There won’t be any kids to come visit.  No grandchildren to spoil.  No home filled with the chatter and laughter of generations of family at Christmas. 

For all the joys of being out and proud of who I am, I fear the loneliness that inevitably comes with it.  That’s why at Christmas, I grow ever so slightly tired of being gay.  For better or for worse, that’s the hand that life has dealt me so I’ll make it work with Buckaroo by my side.

 
Happy Birthday Buckaroo!
 

S.

About a year ago I had a close friendship of mine crumble and fall apart completely.  I’ve held off writing about this because that friend knows of and used to read my blog.  I’m not sure if he still does, but it’s time for me to write this post.  Thanksgiving reminded me that it had been a year.

I met this guy back in 1995 when we both worked in the same department of the local telecomm.  What made us click was that we both shared a similar and very warped sense of humor.  We started taking lunches and Diet Coke breaks together and would laugh our asses off.  I’m not kidding.  My sides would hurt after spending time with him because we would giggle so hard.

He was fairly new to the Phoenix area having moved here from Denver.  I was one of the first friends he made here.  Originally he was painfully shy so I tried to introduce him to some of my friends.  That didn’t go over well.  I invited him to a dinner party being thrown by a gay couple I knew.  Everyone in attendance thought he was mad about something because he sat all through dinner with a scowl on his face without saying a word.  When I talked to him about this afterwards, he revealed that he wasn’t the type to have new people thrust upon him; he needed to make his own introductions when and if he was ready.  I understood that having once been shy myself, so I stopped trying to introduce him to people I knew.

After about a year the lease at his apartment was up, and he bought a condominium close to where I lived.  That made it much more convenient for us to hang out.  We often spent Saturdays and a couple of nights a week together.  He quickly became my closest and dearest friend.

I knew him before I met Buckaroo.  Fortunately when I began dating and eventually buying a house with Buckaroo, it never caused a strain on my relationship with this friend.  He didn’t seem jealous although he often lamented that he wished he could find a boyfriend.  Buckaroo was completely accepting of the amount of time I spent with this friend partly because he (Buckaroo) had a work schedule that lent itself to me spending time with my other friends.

One of the things I enjoyed most about this guy is that we could go from being completely silly to having a deep and meaningful conversation.  He was intelligent and a great conversationalist.  It seemed we could talk about anything without fear of judgment from the other person.

Eventually I left my job at the telecomm while he stayed there.  We both had successes and setbacks personally and professionally.  He got involved in a relationship for about a year, but it didn’t work out.  Upon getting a promotion at work, he decided to buy a house.  I tried to help him look in our area of town, but one Saturday he went house shopping with some other friends of his and bought a new house quite far from where we lived.  I was happy for him, but at the same time worried that the distance between us now would put a strain on our friendship.

My concerns were realized as we began to spend less and less time together.  He made some new friends through his job that he hung around more and more.  Knowing that friendships evolve over time, I tried to accept the way ours had changed.  Even with seeing each other less, our friendship still felt solid.

That leads me to last year.

I have gone through some difficulties over the past couple of years that were very hard on me.  I hid these problems from him and many of the people closest to me as I tend to try and deal with everything on my own.  My friend was unaware of most of what I was going though until last October when I confided in him everything.  We sat in an IHOP late one evening and discussed it.  He seemed a little surprised but pledged to help me if I needed anything.

Somewhere around Thanksgiving last year, I did something that offended him.  I sent him a invitation to join Buckaroo and I for Thanksgiving dinner, but I wrote something to the effect of "I’m sure you already have plans with your other friends, but in case you don’t…" in it.  I don’t remember the exact wording, but it was more snarky than what I wrote here.  Looking back now I know that wasn’t very wise, but I didn’t think it would offend him as much as it did.  He wrote back a terse e-mail saying he didn’t appreciate my snarky comment.

Now I thought I apologized after that, but we haven’t seen each other or spoken since then.  This was especially painful to me after he had promised to be there if I needed him.  I’ve replayed things over and over again in my head, but I’m not sure exactly what (other than that invite) I did wrong.  Part of me wonders if revealing to him what I was going through freaked him out, and if so, was he just looking for an excuse to end our friendship.  I want to give him the benefit of the doubt on that, but as time drags on I’m not so sure.  Anyway, today our friendship is more or less non-existent.

So that’s the story of this friend in a nutshell.  Why am I writing this?  I don’t want sympathy.  Friendships are born and die every day.  Why should my life be spared that?  Instead I am writing this completely for the cathartic value.  By putting these experiences down into words, I am allowing myself to put these things behind me.

I still have other friends.  Sure, I miss him, but I’ll survive.  Do I want him back as a friend if I was given the opportunity to make amends?  I’m not so sure.  I feel something just shy of betrayal from him.  I’m not sure if I could so easily forgive him for over a year of no contact especially since he knew the tribulations I was experiencing.  I don’t think I could trust him again which is a shame since we once were so close.

As a gay man I haven’t had the opportunity to create a family of my own other than Buckaroo and the pets.  As such, I rely very heavily on friends.  To lose a friend, any friend, is painful but a part of life.  I never want a friendship just to end, but I can accept it when it does.  This blog post is part of that acceptance process.

And to my friends in the blogosphere, thank you for being in my life.