[Update: I'm adding a "Snark Warning" to this post because apparently some of you are taking it way too seriously.]

Happy Valentine’s Day. 

Bah Humbug!

As you may have guessed by the title of this post, I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day.  It’s not my least favorite holiday (that would be Easter), but it certainly ranks up there.  I haven’t always hated it, but each year it seems I dislike it more and more.  There are several reasons I feel this way.

First let’s look at when Valentine’s Day falls: early February.  As we all know retailers clearing their shelves of Christmas merchandise need something to fill the space, so you start seeing Valentine’s Day cards, candy, and whatnot the day after Christmas!  There you are still in a festive holiday mood when you go to your local Target or grocery store and WHAM!  Valentine’s Day smacks you out of your sugar plum coma.  Talk about a rude awakening.

For the next month and a half you are then barraged with ads and reminders that VD is coming.  If you’re single, you develop an intense apprehension that you need to hook up with someone - anyone - so that you won’t be alone on VD.  Didn’t you just get over that same anxiety about Christmas?  Unfortunately this leads to many people calling their exes in a desperate eleventh-hour plea for companionship.  VD turns single folk into pathetic souls willing to compromise all their standards just for someone with whom they can exchange VD gifts.

If you are hooked-up, partnered, or married, the situation isn’t much better.  Ads on television and the radio remind your special someone that if you don’t buy them at least the Hope Diamond for VD, then you must despise them and you are little more than cow manure in human form.  Don’t think that you can get away with just one VD gift or card either.  According to a recent television ad I saw from a card company, you must find a humorous card that smartly sums up your love for this person in a funny way, a "I can’t bear to be without you" card that you slip into the person’s briefcase or tote bag, and then finally the "You are so completely perfect in every way that I need you more than oxygen itself" card. 

Cards alone aren’t enough though.  If VD falls on a weekday and/or your partner works on it, you must send the absolutely biggest, most garish combination of flowers, stuffed bears, balloons, and candy you can find.  It must be delivered to your sweetheart’s office in such a way that everybody there sees it when it arrives.  I’ve worked in several offices where the women were quite competitive about the VD bouquets being delivered.  I remember eating in the lunch room listening to a couple of them gossiping about who received what and how large and/or expensive the gift was.  Nothing was more shameful to these women than having only a small, tasteful arrangement of flowers arrive for you.  I honestly think some of these women phoned in orders for themselves in order to save face.

Then comes VD evening.  You must have made reservations at some swanky restaurant.   Remember, the price of the menu is in direct proportion to your love for your honey, or so it will be perceived.  It really doesn’t matter if you’ve made reservations though; you’re still going to wait.  Every eating establishment in town will be overflowing with customers.  The wait staff will be grumpy especially if you have a girl who wishes she was having a romantic dinner instead of serving your sorry ass.  Be prepared with a VD gift tucked away in your pocket because if your date sees another guy surprise his date with a gift like jewelery during dinner, the same will be expected of you.

You need to compliment your sweetie often on how beautiful she (or he) looks, but don’t overdo it.  If you compliment them too much, the implication will be that they must look like crap the rest of the time.  Compliment once too much, and you’ll be sleeping alone.

Finally you return back home.  Don’t expect sex or you won’t get it.  If your partner is in the mood, you had better move nice and slow.  She or he will expect romance and passion, not plain old sex.  Tonight won’t be about satisfying your needs; it’s all about theirs.  Screw it up, and you won’t be getting any again until after the Fourth of July.

It’s this whole "walking on eggshells," futile ritual that makes me hate VD so much.  I resent the fact the greeting card companies and retailers are telling me when and how I should express my love to my partner.  I’m glad I’m not a straight man because it seems woman’s expectations for the holiday have been blown up in such a way that even the best partner couldn’t meet them.  Nine out of ten straight men (and many gay men too) are bound to frak something up despite their best intentions and live with the resentment of their lover for the next month or two.

I’m lucky to have found Buckaroo.  I love him, and he knows that.  I don’t need to make some grand display of my affection today in order to win him over.  We’ll stay in tonight, perhaps order a pizza, and watch a movie. 

Most importantly though, I can send him the following e-card and not be sleeping on the couch tonight:

Happy VD everyone!