This Christmas, I’m A Little Tired Of Being Gay
Posted by: Scott at 9:26 pm in Friends, Family, Lovers, & Jerks, GLBTAAAAaaaack!
If you’ve been watching my Jaiku updates over in the sidebar, you know that I’ve been really stressed out this week. Sure there’s the usual holiday season stresses that are getting to me: Christmas decorating, Christmas cards, Christmas shopping, and so on. There is just never enough time or enough money for it all, but that’s not what’s been causing my anxiety attacks this week. No, they’re coming from something altogether different.
The attacks have been happening to me for the last several years in the final ten days or so before Christmas. They begin when I see announcements like "today is the last day to mail a package and get it there on time." They intensify as I start to get those "I’m heading off for the holidays but wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas before I left" e-mails and messages, and they reach full crescendo when all the stories on the news are about how everyone is heading out to the airports to fly home for Christmas.
I’ve realized where these anxiety attacks are coming from: I’m afraid of being left alone.
Growing up, did you ever have an experience where you’re on the playground with all the other kids, and one by one, their parents come to get them until you’re left all by yourself? Although I’ve never lived through that exact situation, that’s what the week before Christmas feels like to me. I get that panicked feeling that I’m being left behind as I see everyone head off to holiday celebrations with their family.
That’s not to say I’ll be alone this Christmas. Buckaroo will be with me, and he always manages to make it a very wonderful day. In the run-up to Christmas Day however, he works some extremely long hours and late into the evenings (he’s in the retail industry) which leaves me by myself. For example, on Christmas Eve he has to work until 7:00pm or so. I don’t have anyone to spend the day with because all my friends usually have plans of their own.
This is where I grow a little weary of being gay.
It’s not that I’m ashamed to be gay. I’m not. Even if a pill was developed tomorrow that could turn me straight, I still wouldn’t take it. I am who I am. I’ve dealt with that part of being gay years ago. It’s just at the holidays I see so many people having wonderful celebrations with their families and children. I get jealous of that.
It’s not like I don’t have any family. My mom is still back in the Midwest where my sister and her family live. I also have a brother in NYC, but I’m not that close to him. He’ll be joining them back home again this year, but I can’t make it.
This is where straight folk seem to have an advantage. As they become adults and their parents age, many of them start families of their own. They go through a fundamental shift from being the child to being a parent. Instead of waiting for Santa to come, they are Santa. They have their spouse and kids and their in-laws to spend with at Christmas. I get so envious hearing about big family gatherings among my straight peers with their own kids and their sibling’s families too. By the time their parents pass on, they’ve filled their life with children and even grandchildren of their own.
I don’t know if gay men ever truly experience this transition that our straight counterparts go through. At first not having children seems like a blessing: no crying babies, no snot-nosed brats, no sullen teenagers getting into trouble. We have more money (supposedly) that we can spend on ourselves for travel and the finer things, but we also miss out on the responsibility parenting forces on people. We are allowed to stay carefree and playful, but what happens when you reach a point in life like I have where you’re tired of being an adult child? What happens when you’re ready to go to that next phase of life?
I know, I know… I could have kids with Buckaroo by adoption or some other method, but do you know how really difficult that is? Whereas straight couples can simply decide to start a family by going off birth control and having lots of sex (baring any medical difficulties), Buckaroo and I would have to go through tons of paperwork and expense. It’s still very difficult for a gay couple to adopt a child, and from what I’ve witnessed, the process can take years upon years and thousands of dollars. Using a surrogate isn’t any easier. First you have to find an acceptable mother willing to relinquish rights so the non-paternal gay parent can adopt the child. Then you have to pay for not only the medical costs involved, but often an exorbitant fee to the surrogate mother if you can’t find someone you already know to do it.
In other words, it’s very unlikely Buckaroo and I will ever have children other than our pets. That’s ok, but it can be lonely. What if something happens to one of us? What about when we get much older? There won’t be any kids to come visit. No grandchildren to spoil. No home filled with the chatter and laughter of generations of family at Christmas.
For all the joys of being out and proud of who I am, I fear the loneliness that inevitably comes with it. That’s why at Christmas, I grow ever so slightly tired of being gay. For better or for worse, that’s the hand that life has dealt me so I’ll make it work with Buckaroo by my side.
Entries (RSS)
i somewhat feel the way that you do… the fear of growing old with no one to take care of me or Jeff… but on the other hand, right now in my life I feel it is great not to have to worry about kids… not to have to drag them all over creation during this crazy time of the year… and if we really wanted the added expense of kids, college etc… we could adopt… but right now, it is tough enough taking care of ourselves… we are going to have fun traveling, get all the things we want in life, then worry about bringing a little one into the world to destroy it… but I can say this now because just in the last couple of weeks, we found out my brother and his girlfriend are pregnant… which lifts a huge weight of my gay shoulders… my mother will now be a grandmother… takes pressure off me…whew! anywho… have a great holiday and don’t worry about what will be happening in the distant future, focus on the love and life you have now…
Kelly’s last blog post..It was bound to happen
we still need family to be happy..
do things that will make you happy…
happy happy thoughts of the season to you and lil buckaroo and the furry kids!
(((((hugs)))))
I do understand how you feel… it isn’t just a gay issue… it’s an issue for all of us without kids. Hubby and I don’t have children and can’t have kids… while I don’t think that bothers him, it does bother me. I worry that there won’t be anyone to visit us when we get older, or that no one will be there to take care of us when we are 87 and insane.
Hey, I figure at 87 I am allowed to be a bit insane. 
So I do feel your pain. Straight couples have it too, and since my family is all gone (not just in another state) I can’t visit them at all even if I had the money. So the feeling of isolation is definitely there. I fear that because I was an only child that all the interesting and fun stories of my family through the generations will die with me. No one will ever remember how my mother would make christmas cookies out of pie dough or how I pretend the pets have money and buy us presents.
Perhaps we couples without kids need to band together a bit more… straight or gay and we can be the family that we choose rather than the family bound by blood. I promise to come visit you when you are old if you promise to remind me who I am and where the bathroom is when I’m 87.
Smooches and Merry Christmas to you.
ChollaChick’s last blog post..Meow means ?I love you?
This was a beautifully open post. Thanks for sharing. I realize that you wish for a large family, but coming from a huge Mormon one, it also has it’s downside as well. Why can’t SOMETHING be perfect?
Just know that a lot of us are in the same line to see Santa (awful analogy. sorry.), and that you aren’t alone in that aspect. It’s harder to do than say, of course, but try to focus on the positive things during the season. I recommend throwing on some Carpenters — yes, I’m listening to Karen right now and I feel calm and complete.
Have a great holiday, Scott. And give my love to Buckeroo and your ‘children’.
Howard’s last blog post..Favorite Albums Of 2007: #02 & #01
Such true words Scott my boy! I totally feel what you feel, especially coming from a very close nit family is South Africa. My partner and I now live in London, and Christmas time always make me a little sad for the very reasons you mentioned above. We have our own children (2 of the most adorable and spoilt ferrets ever to grace this beautiful earth!) but will they be able to hold my hand when I am 80 and cross the street with me? I wish it were so, but alas no. Kids are a very big deal for me, I want to have at least 2….my partner on the other hand is not ready for kids just yet. But I guess that is ok, he is just 25 (I am 30). I hope that one day before I am to old to enjoy my children - I will be able to have the same joy, and have a house full of family festivity over Christmas!
Wishing you and Buckaroo and wonderful and blessed Christmas!
There’s a lot of truth to what you’re saying. Men who have had children have learned to put other people’s needs in front of their own, and they’re better people and partners for it. And while the disposable income is nice, I’m sure, anyone who says that they’re glad not to have the bother of children really doesn’t get it. The simple fact is that unless you’re very unlucky or you’re a bad parent, children are a net positive, from about the time they’re toilet trained on. And before that, they’re so cute that you don’t mind much.
None of which is to say that childless gay men are necessarily selfish or unhappy. But clearly, the time of year when you’re going to feel it the most is now.
But, who knows, maybe you’ll go out some night, end up at the wrong bar, get hammered, knock some chick up, and end up with custody when she leaves them (twins: one girl, one boy) on your doorstep a year later so that she can pursue her dream of being an olympic mud wrestler. Stranger things have happened (though none leaps to mind).
TED’s last blog post..To Have Ambition Was My Ambition
You mean to say there is no Santa? Holly Shit Scott I had heard rumours… but from you. Now I have to take the doggies shopping to make sure I get what was on my list, and do you know what 6 Westies in a store can become at Christmas! And just where will I find a snuggly cub at this late date, not that Mr. Grumpy would let me keep ‘em but maybe for Christmas??? We too go thru the holidays family blues, I came from perfect family where every Christmas really was magic, and Mr. Grumpy was probably told there was no Santa at birth from his bitch mother. So every year I give Mr. Grumpy all the magic that I remember, our 1st Christmas he ran from the room sobbing. My family was kinda freaked but then he came back and explained he never knew families really had Norman Rockwell kinda Chrsitmas’s. Now every year he just sniffles a lot and we all smile cause we know he now has the magic too… So I wanted the kids to pass on the magic to, Mr. Grumpy says never (remembering his own childhood from hell) and we have the doggies. And I worry about when we are old, none of our siblings had any kids so there are not even nieces and nephews to be nice to the old fags just to get our loot… You and Buckaroo have a standing invite to come up here to Oregon for a white Christmas (part of the magic) from here on and we will share our Christmas Magic with you. But don’t put any presents under the tree until Christmas night… the boys always pee on the tree…
Kevin’s last blog post..Westie Wednesday 5
Oh Scott, honey. I dare you to try being Jewish for one Christmas. And single. I think that might help put your situation in perspective. Which is not to belittle it. Your feelings are valid and I appreciate your sharing them. But knowing you, I believe you are strong enough to make it to 7PM on Monday.
As far as kids go, if you really and truly would consider having them, I can put you in touch with my friends Mark and Dan, who are not rich, and got their adopted daughter way, way, way faster than they ever expected. They can tell you about their experience.
I share you misgivings about getting older but not feeling like a full adult. I explored that subject a little myself over the summer. I also worry about what will happen to me when I am older. Perhaps my nephews will welcome me into their future families, but they already live a distance away. More likely I envision a future for myself that looks like Maggie Smith’s character at the end of A Room With a View.
I guess the many years of solitary holiday seasons has numbed me to the panic that you have experienced in recent years. I would totally hang out with you and fill your time until Buckaroo was home. It’s just that the darn pricey airfare to Phoenix is holding me back. Breath. Remember you are loved.
Of course, maybe you could fill that time waiting for Buckaroo by posting comments on your friends’ blogs. hint hint hint.
David’s last blog post..Is He Dead?
Let’s all be thankful for the Buckaroos in this world.
Does he have a gay brother that happens to be single?
Ok, Ok. Oy! I am still thanful for other peoples buckaroos.
Peace Out. Happy Holidays.
Don’s last blog post..Last Call
Poignant post, Scott. I’m feeling a bit blue reading many of my favorite bloggers saying things like “this will probably be my last post until … you miss me so much that you realize what a meaningless life you have, hanging around blogs in your spare time because you have no friends anywhere but in cyberspace.” OK, I made that last part up, but that’s where my head is taking me.
I never have given much thought to this aspect of being gay. It isn’t always “gay” to be gay. Obviously. Ironic word, “gay.” Because often things aren’t too cheery for homosexuals. Ups and downs, ya’ know? Kinda like, oh, I dunno, life or something.
Gad, I’m depressing myself even more.
Enjoy the enjoyable, Scott, you and Buckaroo.
javajones’s last blog post..from the mouths of babes
I hear ya, buddy. . .
. . .I missed most of the Christmases of the 1990’s by staying home in bed.
No family near, so why bother?
Long story short, as that decade wound down, I re-connected with family members who, too, were on the margin, either due to divorce or death of their spouse.
I came back to the Midwest after 12 years in San Diego.
True, no Hamburger Mary’s, no Hillcrest Cinemas, no Rich’s, no annual Gay Pride parade. . .
. . .but I have true family and friends who don’t give two whoops-and-a-holler that I think Jake Gyllenhaal is God.
I’m not preachin’ at ya, Steve. . .just sharing with you that family is not necessarily the blood ties that bind. . .but the one that you choose.
And they are there. . .
Great big hug to you and the Buckaroo. . .
Tom
I really feel the way you do. It is really tough as you lose your parents, aunts and uncles and you have no expanding family of your own. I have been a caregiver to my Dad and now my Mom for the past 15 years and there will be no one around to do the same for me. Of course even if I had kids they might not be up to the challenge, but hopefully they would find me a nice nursing home! I wrote on my blog recently how Christmas isn’t as wonderful as it used to be as so many of my family has passed on. People wrote me how depressing my entry was that I created a more cheery one! I think we are all just going to have to band together and help one another! Merry Christmas to you and Buckaroo and to the lonely everywhere!
disneybear’s last blog post..Merry Christmas Blooper
Hi Scott,
I used to feel the same way. I remember walking through the mall about 6 years ago at Christmastime and a terrible depression came over me. I felt like such an outsider. Your post made me remember that day.
Scott, think of it this way. We are who we are and the grass is always greener on the other side. You have your health and a great partner. No one’s life is perfect and we have to play the cards we’re dealt the best way we can. I’m sure you know all this but believe me honey, if you were meant to have kids you would. My partner David and I discussed it and came to the realization that it just wouldn’t be a good idea. However, we also love animals (we have 4 cats) and they are our kids. David volunteers at an animal shelter and also, our neighbors know we’re always there if they need us.
Please realize that gay men and women DO have a place in this world. Still, the holidays unintentionally reinforce that we are different. Thank God Christmas only comes once per year.
You email me if you get depressed and let’s talk, OK?
Gene
I sympathize with you. You said a lot of things here that I’ve said to others before (you said them better than I did, of course). A long time ago I decided my solution to these worries was to make sure that I was good company for myself, that I would be okay if I’m alone. Of course, I want a circle of friends and family around, but I’ll be just fine if I don’t have those things someday.
MikeEllis’s last blog post..WHAT DO I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?
Hi Scott -
I’m 180 degrees on the other side.
As I sit here in Denver typing this Christmas night - while snow continues to fall outside - I am alone. Divorced for 6 years after 20 years of marriage (the last 13 not very happy ones), childfree-by-choice, and all my family is celebrating Christmas like there is no end in CA. Oh yeah, I’m Jewish too. And I couldn’t be happier.
I know for a fact I will have no relatives to ‘hold my hand’ as I get older. I have no one to look after me. I am and will be on my own. What an exciting challenge I see that to be!
I came from a large Catholic family and knew from age 8 I never wanted kids. Have never changed my mind. All of my siblings that HAVE had kids have gone thru so much heartbreak and financial loss that I am THRILLED I never had kids. Truly, parenthood is not all it is cracked up to be. My sibs were great parents but shit happens and that shit usually involves lots of money to make things right.
Even tho I only know you from online, I know you will always be surrounded by friends and loved ones. I know I will be too.
Howard and Cameron graciously opened Howard’s home to me for Thanksgiving. My other buddy Sydney asked me over to celebrate Christmas with her and her husband and son ( I had to decline due to sickness). Sometimes the people you form the closest bond with are not blood relatives.
Hang in there Scott. When it comes right down to it, Christmas is only 24 hrs in a year. One day.
Hope you and Buckaroo enjoyed your Christmas Day together.
Kath’s last blog post..Thanks Dad And Mom
I’m not depressed by Xmas but the level of internalized homophobia that still seems to exist in so many gays, this attitude — never quite stated but tacit — that somehow being gay is second-rate (even if the person who feels this way is Out and Outrageously “Queer.”). First of all, gay people, even ones who don’t have, or who haven’t adopted kids, DO have families — their friends, and hopefully they get more and more — a whole support network — as they get older. And there are countless gays who may not have children but DO have serious responsibilites, and are very much grown-up, either because of their jobs, partners who may be ill, or parents who are elderly and in need of care. Loneliness, particularly as a person ages, is NOT a “gay” problem but a human one. After my father died, my mother lived for many years and missed her husband each and every day — even though she had two loving children who spent a great deal of time with her. This image I think you have of all straight people being surrounded by adoring children and never feeling lonely is a false one. No one is spared and some are luckier than others. (The unlucky ones never even HEAR from their children.) Many straight couples — such as my sister and brother-in-law — never have children, but this doesn’t mean they’re doomed to loneliness. Internet buddies are fine, but perhaps you just need more friends in the real world. With all due respect, I realize it’s tempting for many gays to think that every other gay person is just like them, and if (they think) they’re immature and childish then every other gay person must be the same, but the truth is that ours is a VERY diverse community, with all kinds of people who’ve had all kinds of experiences. Your experience is true for you but it isn’t the whole truth, and neither, I suppose, is mine. Don’t be offended by my bluntness; I mean the best. Good Luck to You.
Bill-
Thank you for your comment, but I think you’ve misunderstood my post. I simply point out that straight married folks have the ability (barring any medical concerns) to quickly and easily have children. I also state that I am envious of people with large families of their own particularly at Christmastime. I would feel that same way if I was straight and unmarried or unable to have kids.
I don’t say anywhere in the article that gay people are second-rate nor do I believe that. I do however think that straight people, by and large, have an easier time coping with issues like having children. Of course I know that straight people get lonely too and that not all gay people want children or feel lonely at Christmas. If you are reading that into my post, then you’re reading it wrong.
I don’t have internalized homophobia, but I’m not one of these gays who like to go around and pretend everything about being gay is fabulous. I believe in stating the truth, and one of those truths is that it sometimes sucks to be gay (much as it sometimes sucks to be any other segment of the population). Trying to adopt kids is one of those times. The process is made much more difficult for us because many Christian adoption agencies will not place a child into a gay home regardless of how loving the parents might be.
The only way we are going to make our lives better (straight or gay) is to admit to ourselves the hard truths. This is what I’m doing here in this blog post.
Thanks for your response. I get what you’re saying, of course. I think what I was reacting to, Scott, was your kind of pre-Stonewall (sorry) inference that somehow gays are more childish and irresponsible because we don’t raise children (although we often do). Homophobes have for decades been saying that gays are mentally immature and child-like and so on, but let’s not do it to ourselves. Sure, we’ve both met a few infantile “dizzy queens” (and dizzy butch numbers) but they hardly constitute the entire gay community. And if raising kids were a guarantee of maturity and stablity, then I doubt there would be so many dysfunctional families out there. And is there anything more irresponsible and immature than a straight “deadbeat daddy?”
Anyway that whole business probably struck a negative chord in me because I recently ran into a self-hating gay man who felt that gays didn’t “contribute to society” because they didn’t “perpetuate the species.” (He, of course, had a daughter.) I needn’t comment on the fallacy — indeeed idiocy — of that statement.
I’m all for dealing with hard truths — such as getting some gay men to, like it or not, accept the facts about safe sex — but the world at large does enough stereotyping of the gay community, let’s not do it to ourselves.
Lastly, as a member of the formidable bear community, I”m the last guy to go on about the “fabulousness” of gay life — or anything else, LOL.
Hey, enough Gay Lib. Have a great New Year’s Eve and a wonderful 2008!
Bill Samuels’s last blog post..The 24th Day: A Gay Misfire
scott, hi ive just read your post and it was like reading my own emotions recently .I can relate to what you are saying but also afer reading the comments i agree with most but best of all is even in a partnership feel happy with yourself and be happy with your own company,
Im alone quite often as i live on my own but also have a large family and a twin sister who is like a rock but she is married and has her own life so i reckon be happy while you can atleast till 87.ha ha
happy 2008
There should be like gay christmas camp or something. ‘cept it shouldn’t be called a camp. Or maybe it should.
What a terrific post, one that peers under the carpet at something that right-on gays are not supposed to acknowledge. Like you, I’m happy with my partner and wouldn’t change sexuality if I could; but still, a little edge of unease can creep in when, for instance, I notice how Christmas for our elderly neighbour across the road is quite a whirl of visits to and visits from her daughter and two sons and various grandchildren, and I find myself wondering what I would be doing if my Jim had died during the year. As for the more distant future, I have a good gay friend about 12 years younger than me whom from time to time I tell not quite jokingly that when I am in my care home I shall count on a visit from him every Sunday afternoon. It so happens that I have very little natural family anyway.
One thought that helps me through is this: the relationship between two gay men who do not have children can develop with a purity and intensity that couples with children can miss out on. One hears that having children can be so exhausting and distracting that couples can somehow lose sight of one another. What is sometimes stigmatised as the continuing immaturity of couples without children might better be described as a peculiarly illuminating and enviable exploration of romantic love unburdened by ancillary duties. (You’ll know more about Tristan and Isolde if you think of a gay couple than if you think of Mr and Mrs Average and their 2.8 weans.) And at least with a gay couple there will often be no ’staying together because of the kids’: if you stay together it’s more likely to be because of the depth of your love. (Not that mixed-gender couples are that hot on ’staying together for the kids’ these days, armed as they often are with their self-deceiving and self-serving, “Oh, it’s so much better to split up rather than for the children to endure a bad atmosphere.”) You will have had what was unequivocally a *love* of your own, not a child-rearing arrangement. And at least you will not have the pain of being *neglected* by your children (’after all we did for them’). And, anyway, there’s something morally iffy about having kids so that you’ll have company in your old age (just as the having of kids as sort of fleshy souvenirs of love affairs is revolting: remember that Paul Anka number on the lines of ‘You’re having my baby - what a terrific way to say you love me’? Yeuch.)
Paul Brownsey. Glasgow, Scotland