About a year ago I had a close friendship of mine crumble and fall apart completely. I’ve held off writing about this because that friend knows of and used to read my blog. I’m not sure if he still does, but it’s time for me to write this post. Thanksgiving reminded me that it had been a year.
I met this guy back in 1995 when we both worked in the same department of the local telecomm. What made us click was that we both shared a similar and very warped sense of humor. We started taking lunches and Diet Coke breaks together and would laugh our asses off. I’m not kidding. My sides would hurt after spending time with him because we would giggle so hard.
He was fairly new to the Phoenix area having moved here from Denver. I was one of the first friends he made here. Originally he was painfully shy so I tried to introduce him to some of my friends. That didn’t go over well. I invited him to a dinner party being thrown by a gay couple I knew. Everyone in attendance thought he was mad about something because he sat all through dinner with a scowl on his face without saying a word. When I talked to him about this afterwards, he revealed that he wasn’t the type to have new people thrust upon him; he needed to make his own introductions when and if he was ready. I understood that having once been shy myself, so I stopped trying to introduce him to people I knew.
After about a year the lease at his apartment was up, and he bought a condominium close to where I lived. That made it much more convenient for us to hang out. We often spent Saturdays and a couple of nights a week together. He quickly became my closest and dearest friend.
I knew him before I met Buckaroo. Fortunately when I began dating and eventually buying a house with Buckaroo, it never caused a strain on my relationship with this friend. He didn’t seem jealous although he often lamented that he wished he could find a boyfriend. Buckaroo was completely accepting of the amount of time I spent with this friend partly because he (Buckaroo) had a work schedule that lent itself to me spending time with my other friends.
One of the things I enjoyed most about this guy is that we could go from being completely silly to having a deep and meaningful conversation. He was intelligent and a great conversationalist. It seemed we could talk about anything without fear of judgment from the other person.
Eventually I left my job at the telecomm while he stayed there. We both had successes and setbacks personally and professionally. He got involved in a relationship for about a year, but it didn’t work out. Upon getting a promotion at work, he decided to buy a house. I tried to help him look in our area of town, but one Saturday he went house shopping with some other friends of his and bought a new house quite far from where we lived. I was happy for him, but at the same time worried that the distance between us now would put a strain on our friendship.
My concerns were realized as we began to spend less and less time together. He made some new friends through his job that he hung around more and more. Knowing that friendships evolve over time, I tried to accept the way ours had changed. Even with seeing each other less, our friendship still felt solid.
That leads me to last year.
I have gone through some difficulties over the past couple of years that were very hard on me. I hid these problems from him and many of the people closest to me as I tend to try and deal with everything on my own. My friend was unaware of most of what I was going though until last October when I confided in him everything. We sat in an IHOP late one evening and discussed it. He seemed a little surprised but pledged to help me if I needed anything.
Somewhere around Thanksgiving last year, I did something that offended him. I sent him a invitation to join Buckaroo and I for Thanksgiving dinner, but I wrote something to the effect of "I’m sure you already have plans with your other friends, but in case you don’t…" in it. I don’t remember the exact wording, but it was more snarky than what I wrote here. Looking back now I know that wasn’t very wise, but I didn’t think it would offend him as much as it did. He wrote back a terse e-mail saying he didn’t appreciate my snarky comment.
Now I thought I apologized after that, but we haven’t seen each other or spoken since then. This was especially painful to me after he had promised to be there if I needed him. I’ve replayed things over and over again in my head, but I’m not sure exactly what (other than that invite) I did wrong. Part of me wonders if revealing to him what I was going through freaked him out, and if so, was he just looking for an excuse to end our friendship. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt on that, but as time drags on I’m not so sure. Anyway, today our friendship is more or less non-existent.
So that’s the story of this friend in a nutshell. Why am I writing this? I don’t want sympathy. Friendships are born and die every day. Why should my life be spared that? Instead I am writing this completely for the cathartic value. By putting these experiences down into words, I am allowing myself to put these things behind me.
I still have other friends. Sure, I miss him, but I’ll survive. Do I want him back as a friend if I was given the opportunity to make amends? I’m not so sure. I feel something just shy of betrayal from him. I’m not sure if I could so easily forgive him for over a year of no contact especially since he knew the tribulations I was experiencing. I don’t think I could trust him again which is a shame since we once were so close.
As a gay man I haven’t had the opportunity to create a family of my own other than Buckaroo and the pets. As such, I rely very heavily on friends. To lose a friend, any friend, is painful but a part of life. I never want a friendship just to end, but I can accept it when it does. This blog post is part of that acceptance process.
And to my friends in the blogosphere, thank you for being in my life.
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Scott, I don’t recall a post where you have been so deeply personal before. Thanks for sharing this with us… I hope that whatever happens from this day forward, you feel like you have cleansed yourself of the situation and can move on from it. There are times in our lives where we have to let people go– whether they be a relationship, a family member or a friend. But whoever it is, if they don’t see the value in their relationship with you, then it’s probably best to see the value in your life without them in it. It’s a hard decision to make– but once it’s made, it usually feels like a huge weight lifted off the shoulders. I hope that’s what you’re feeling right now.
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As someone who went through roughly this same experience (my friend was female, but we wee tight), I understand the sense of betrayal. My “friend” and I still talk, but it’s not the same as it was.
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“By putting these experiences down into words, I am allowing myself to put these things behind me.” - As always, nicely put. This “blogging” thing really is useful in that it allows us to choose new life starting points simply by posting our thoughts. I totally understand what you’re feeling….I have a friend who woke up one day and decided to move to Kansas. After the move he never called me, never gave me his new address or number - and never offered an explanation as to why. That was 7 years ago. Recently, he invited me to be his “friend” on MySpace and sent me a message letting with a summary of the past 7 years. I responded in kind, and haven’t heard from him again.
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What’s with all the personal downer stuff. I’m going back to my blog where you’re funnier ‘an shite.
(Psst, this was a lovely post. Thanks for sharing something in your life that was healing.)
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I’m sorry to hear about your lost friendship. I think I’ve learned over the past few years (it takes me awhile, but I do learn… ) that not all friendships are meant to traverse a lifetime. Some are just stepping stones throughout your life. While I wish I had more of the lifetime friends, I am learning to appreciate the ones who are just there with me for a little while. I’ve had great work friends who drift off after we change jobs, and while that’s sad and I miss them it makes sense that it happens. The sense of “us against the world” can be a strong binder for friends and when one or both of you change jobs it no longer is there. Or if it is, it isn’t so strong. The saddest friendship losses I’ve experienced were ones where really the only thing left in common anymore is the past. When we can’t see a future, what is left? You will find another friend to take his place. You are a good guy who has a lot to give to the world. I know that you will find a friend who is truly there for you through thick and thin.
– Thinking of you — Cholla.
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Simply poignant. Think of me giving you a hug.
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This was such a moving post, and really hit home with me. I have had this happen to me a couple of times in my life. Once because my friend was in love with me and I just didn’t feel the same about him and once for a reason that is still unknown to me. Anytime someone who is special to you ceases to be apart of your life it’s hard. It sounds like you are dealing with it well, and I’m sure writing about it has helped. As you said, friendships are made and lost everyday. I hope that you find someone soon to take his place.
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Scott; Thanks so much for sharing this clearly painful experience with us. I’m sorry it happened and from I have gleaned of your personality from this blog, you deserve better.
However, some good did come from it. I took something very selfish away from your story - it has happened to others, too. I thought I was the only person to whom something like this had happened.
Four years ago, perhaps the closest friend of my life simply expelled me from his life in a matter of 24 hours. No word of offense; no word of why; no words of anger; he simply ceased communicating with me in any way. While I have moved on, the sense of hurt and betrayal are still with me and I guess always shall be. I miss my friend, I still consider him my brother, and I wish we could reconcile, but I am afraind that is not to be.
Best of luck to you in your recovery from this dissapointment. Best of holidays to you.
Itasca in Minnesota
From the way you write about this guy, he sounds like the sort of person people describe as “having issues.” Given his shyness, my guess would be that your friendship was even more important to him than his friendship was to you. Maybe the distance between you was more painful to him and finding out that there had been big problems that he didn’t know about exacerbated the problem. Perhaps being so upset about the whole thing was why he reacted so badly to the snark. It seems likely that he feels more of a loss than you do at the dissolution of your friendship, so a little pity might be called for.
Or else he’s just a twat, and you’re better off without him. Your choice. Either way, it’s a shame it went down the way it did.
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This was really painful to read because I’ve been going through the death of a very good friendship about which I haven’t blogged. Your posts usually make me laugh… and/or think. This is the first one that made me cry.
*big hugs*
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oh yeah, I’ve been there…. I lost a friend on new year’s eve this past year, and kept thinking we’d fix it. but then I realized that we hadn’t been real friends in a long time. that when we did hang out, it was out of fond memories or guilt than anything we currently added to each other’s lives. it sucks, but life does go on. and eventually, you’ll just appreciate what your friend added to one part of your life without getting a little twinge thinking about it. *hugs*
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It’s hard when a friendship dissolves. I’ve had it where it’s obvious (usually a blow-out); which I think is easier than the situation you’ve experienced. When there’s no real explanation, it leaves one with a lot of what if’s. Also, I do think that friendships are more significant to those who don’t have children. I feel badly that you weren’t able to get proper closure with an actual explanation.
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Oddly, I too had a friendship end a year ago (No, I am not Scott’s ex-friend!): happened over a very silly little incident, but it proved to reveal more that was wrong in the relationship already. Still, it does suck, and I do miss him sometimes.
Dear Scott,
Moving post. I’ve gone through this with a friend of 22 years. The friendship came to an end at first 10 years ago. Then when a mutual friend passes. She had asked to become friends again. I accepted but on my terms ( slowly) since I did not want to get hurt again. Well, the friendship lasted a couple of years and ended this May before my trip to Arizona. At first I felt bad about it but thought of the reasons why. I felt I was being used for money. I think my guilt was that we’ve known each other since H.S.
Then something happended this past summer. I found out right before I stopped speaking to her 10 years ago, She had used my S.S. # and I had a $2,000. bill in my hands from 1996. After doing some research, I found that she used an alias to do this to me. I was angry as hell. Thought of the most vengeful thing to do to her and finally accepted why the friendship came to an end. She will always be in the mess she is in for all her life and I’ll leave it in the hands of others. I’m responsible for my own happiness and I can’t make other people happy. I can only add happiness to one’s life or take it awayand that depends on how I’m treated. I know it sounds like a very powerful tool to have in one’s hand but it’s what I learned in my travels thus this far. Maybe there are times in life that a second chance is not deserved.
As much as it hurts, Maybe this was for the best.
All the best to you Scott and my condolences on the loss of your friendship.
Vincent
I think your post was very moving, but I’m not sure why some of the commenters seem to feel your friend was wildly in the wrong. It sounds like if the only issue you guys had was the one snarky comment then, yes, he overreacted! But I do think (and you seem to know this from how you described it) that the snarky comment was quite harsh and a bit clingy. Some people react very definitively to an offensive comment when it’s coming from an unexpected, very close source. I think this is why some relationships (romantic or otherwise) can end so suddenly. But you say you “thought” you had apologized. Have you? If you’ve sincerely apologized then I don’t see why he would not be open to talking more unless there were other reasons you are not being told about. I would not assume that he is equating this disagreement with your previous discussion of problems in your lifeâ€â€it may not be that he’s abandoning you because of that, it may just be he’s upset over the pointed comment. At any rate, thanks for sharing and good luck with either resuscitating the friendship or moving on. It really seems you both have more reasons to become friends again than not to…
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