I received this in my e-mail and decided it was too funny not to share. This guide was made using the actual symbols from the government’s web site to help us prepare in the event of a terrorist attack.
What to do in a Terrorist Attack
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If you have set yourself on fire, do not run. |
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If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are bald, yell really loud. |
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If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder. |
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If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor. |
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Use your magic flashlight to lift the walls right off of you! |
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The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one armless hand from a nearby victim. |
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Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the f*** away… especially if you are a boy under the age of 12. |
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Hurricanes, animal corpses and the bio-hazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it. |
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Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically. |
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If a door is closed, karate chop it open. |
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If your building collapses, cower under a desk and kiss your ass goodbye. |
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Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile. |
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After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head. |
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If you’ve become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that crap. |
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If you hear the Ashlee Simpson, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, it is a psychological terror attack. Cower in the corner or run like hell. |
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If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop. |
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Austin is radioactive, move to Houston. |
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If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting. |
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If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it. |
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Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood. |
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A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation. Always carry one! |
Well, I don’t know about you, but I feel much safer now. If you’ll excuse me now as I have to go to Home Depot to get my one-inch plywood.
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Now THAT’S comedy!
Great start to the day!
I remember seeing this list on another site, but the image with the guy under the table had a different caption — instead of “kiss your ass goodbye” they suggested that in the event of an attack, you get under a table and give yourself a blow job. I love it!
Yeah, I love this collection. I think it came out in late 2001 or early 2002, when we were starting to remember how to laugh again.
If I were a liberal, I would be laughing so hard that I would be crying. Yes, if I were a liberal I would read this more than once, and laugh-cry each time….oh yes.
Blogger’s too lame to let me trackback to you - but I’m running over to my blog Mom-O-Matic to link to your hilarious blog!
Priceless!!!
Is there more of this???
You could have at least renamed the images…….
It took me a long time to crop those images………………
Cube Dweller-
Those images were sent to me in an e-mail. Since then, I have seen them all over the web. I apologize if you were the original creator of the images, but there was no way for me to know that when I received them. I did a Google search, but could not tell who the original creator was.
[...] Got this from the Book Publishing and Personal Library blog. Gave me a bit of a chuckle and kind of reminded me of how I felt about the old Civil Defense drills they used to pull on us when I was a wee child. In the event of a nuclear attack, we were to crawl under our desk and put our head between our knees. They called it Duck-and-Cover. After seeing the newsreel footage of an atomic test on Bimini Island, I always thought of it as Duck, Cover and Kiss Your Ass Good-bye. Check it out. What to do in case of terrorist attack. [...]